Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Pooing with pride intact! ...an art.

I know I should start off by apologising or attempting to apologise for my yeyeness. It's been like 2 seconds right? Yeahhhh, I know.
 Well, sorry somehow sha cos I'm as lazy as fart. I would love to say I've been  busy but that's a lie from the pit of hell. You see, I spend 24hours doing nothing but thinking of various ways to take over the world. It usually just ends with me sleeping off and starting all over again.   

I'll shut up now and get to the meat of the matter.

 Today is going to be a lecture geared for the ladies. Just like when we discussed how to get your actual brassiere size correctly (HERE). So, once more, feel free to bookmark. Please note that this is not a joke.   How To Poo With Dignity At An Acquaintances/le boo's/in law's.   The 1st rule to this starts with asking yourself the cardinal question... DO I UTTERLY AND IRREVOCABLY HAVE TO GO?
When a question like this arises, ponder on it a few seconds sistas.
 Do not rush it.
 The way and manner you are treated tomorrow depends on your positive response to that question. 
Now, if you don't feel like you might end up soiling your under garments, sistah gurl, tighten your butt cheeks and sit pretty. If however, there's the slight chance you might soil yourself,  then, you are in luck today. This post is for you. DO NOT spoil the ambience of the room,  learn a few tips and tricks.  

 These are to be your obectives 3 sistahs: 
OBJ 1) contain the stink 
OBJ 2) minimise the plop sound 
OBJ 3) maintain the status quo de la toilet   

However,  before I proceed, I'd like to clarify on one thing...I'm not writing outta experience ooohhh. I absolutely and totally do not (I repeat, DO NOT) take dumps. I'm only writing by divination and NOT experience. Don't insult my ajeboness please.     

Containing the smell: Ladies, you know we are babes nau...abeg...if you need to undebateably go, please only let out magicdust. Anything short of magic dust is unacceptable abeg una. Maintain levels nau. It's not hard o, I promise.
  If you MUST go (I've over emphasised this must business), try and get your host outta the house. If it's only one person sha. I'm not saying you should evacuate a family cos you are trying to form.

 ******Send the acquaintance/le boo on a wild goose chase , "ahh, help me get my charger in the car.  your dog scares me" , "oh, I want the Beyonce cd I left in your car". Make sure there's no charger or cd I any car. Just evacuate him from the premise of your pending havoc. 
******Get in there with your perfume bottle.  If you like be there rolling your eyes. As if that cheap bootle is worth your pride. Pstcheww. 

When you enter the loo, survey for air freshners too. 
Do a pre-poo buffering spray (you should know why). 
See eh, lift the water closet reservior and spray into the water as well. If you like, be stubborn. I HEAR it's magical. 
Now, post-poo, repeat above steps. 

Tip: if your host has an insecticide, it's preferable to any airfreshner. Im not talking odourless or fruity insecticides. I mean all them Baygon, Shelltox. Those powerful smelling ones. 
It serves dual purposes a)No  manner of poop can overshadow it. b) host will maintain an adequate distance from the toilet. 

Sistah, dont be in a hurry to emerge. Where are you running to? Have you done a sniff test? Don't be so silly as to close the toilet lid you silly girl. Open the window. Out with the bad air, in with the new. 

If you smoke and your host doesn't mind, feel free to stay there and be gangster. I however, do not recommend this.     

Obliterate the plop: this part is easy and thus,  unforgivable if disregarded. 
Few minutes before you go in there, "fiddle with your phone music,  play loud ones.  I don't mean Yanni like songs. I mean those meaningless loud types our 'artists' like so much. 

Tip: the more bass in the song, the berra. So glide into the loo with that tempo and enjoy yasef. 
Aim: beat the plop.

 Don't go and start singing in the loo though. That's just creepy.
 Don't be tempted to flush per plop either. It'll make it seem like you are literally full of sh*t. (forgive my french). However, you might leave a faucet open. This might help cushion your nasty plops.   

More often than not,  you don't need to resort to all this. loud music alone will do.  .........so I have heard.                                                      .                                           THESE ARE NOT FROM MY EXPERIENCE    

 Maintain improve loo's status quo: some people no be am at all. 
Just cos you met some floaters inside there doesn't mean you need to maintain the status quo in the spirit of giving. Please dash your self brain. 
Make sure you do not leave any mementos. No one, I repeat, no one needs your souvenirs. 
Aim: if it's yellow,  do not let it mellow. If it's brown, let it drown.  

 However, if your host has short-put/pit toilet/waterside, forgive me for wasting your time.   I am sorry.

As for guys that excuse themselves and go outside the house to pee, una well so?     

Shaaaa, that's my take for today. And prolly until this time next year (taaaaa!) cos im lazy like that.   Abeg lemme go back to thinking up ways to take over the world...           



  1. e get wetin you go chop ehn,
    all this protocol no go work.
    I mean fire on the mountain,
    The type that makes you march - "cha cha cha we march together" while you're asking your host for the shortest distance to the 'toilet' (no time for all that posh schenenegan)
    My sister, if that type hit you ehn
    You won't know when you let a sigh
    "O! Lord",
    Who cares if your host hears the thundering, bombing, splattering, whooshing, hissing and rapid M17 or AK47 rapid fire.
    Talk less of the fragrance, o! My!
    Your host will know that indeed, you've been delivered when they hear your profuse appreciation.
    Look, sometimes, this matter no dey follow syllabus.

  2. Oh Lord! Lol!!
    Standard objectives...and acheiveable ....yes, from my experience!